Keeps Coming Up of Late

Before anything, I should first say that I'm not speaking of any specific situation or persons. Its an accumulative of the season I am in in life. I'm just feeling pressed to write and share. Not entirely sure the reason, but with the hope to relate or help another possibly.

God has been speaking to me on various things, but this has been one main apparent focus He has been doing in me of late.

The heart.

Heart issues being exposed, rebuked, corrected, convicted, broken, purged, molded, etc. The intentions. The whys. That's what He sees and is about, the heart.

When I first came to the Lord, like for real, my family and friends had different reactions. Some thought it was awesome. Some were confused and wondered why. While others didn't like it all. I did lose a lot of friends yes, but most of those lost weren't much of friends, rather they were acquaintances and such. I've always been one who holds each relationship/friendship dearly. So when I began to feel the sadness and heartache of losing friends and having people not understand with me not being able to even really explain, I found this poem (I really shouldn't say I found it, but God delivered it) in perfect timing. It wasn't that I had to show people or use it to convince or explain. It was exactly how I was feeling, but was struggling to put into words. It encouraged me. It strengthened me. It convinced me all the more in my Lord and Savior, in His call to follow Him. Here it is:

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not shouting "I am saved"

I'm whispering "I was lost"

That is why I chose this way.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble

And need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak

And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed

And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I'm not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are all too visible,

But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I still feel the sting of pain

I have my share of heartaches

Which is why I speak His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"

I do not wish to judge.

I have no authority.

I only know I'm loved.

I have nothing good in me, but Jesus. I'm nothing without Him. I know I'm a messed up sinner. I know I don't represent Christ or His church well all the time. I know I don't always go about things in the right way. I know I do and say things that I shouldn't and the contrary. I know. I don't need to be told this. When I say, I'm not trying to seek approval of man, but God's, I'm stating on the concept of 'performance.' I'm not trying to perform for anyone and with God I don't have to, I can't. He knows me better than I know myself. I can't pretend, cover, put on a front with Him. I used to put on fronts for people, perform. Nothing unresolved will ever be resolved. The moment of exposure, that's the moment that freedom is released. I try my best to not put on an act for people, but to be exposed, in the light, for all to see my screwed up self. As much as it may be hard, walking in the light causes sin and issues to be dealt with rather than staying hidden. This may seem ridiculous to some. Its the opposite that the world wants to tell you to do. God's ways almost never seem to make sense to us. They almost always seem crazy, even offensive. But I know God's intentions and promises. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. None of this is an excuse to screw up. I'm just being real. I'm a sinner. Its my nature. I'm going to mess up. Its inevitable. Its never my intention to hurt or harm anyone in process of my faults. I don't purpose in my heart to do such things. God continually is working in me on this. Its my heart that God cares about. Its what I do and how I deal with things when I have messed up that counts. Being humble and repentant in fullness in the heart.